Chapter Text
He had been back in his dorm room for only a few hours but he already missed being at Isabel’s.
It felt crazy how his weekend had turned from the worst few days of his life, to almost normal, just thanks to a warm house and good people. Well, everything was still shit, his parents still didn’t care if he lived or died, his sister still had his number blocked, her husband was still beating her, and he still couldn’t do anything about it. But while he was at Isabel’s Buck could be sad, and he could miss his family, the difference was that he would do it in a place that felt like a hug. Now that he was alone, in his cinderblock room with the leaking window and the neon lighting, Buck had nothing to distract him from the pain.
He knew thing would get better once his friends got back, so as he waited he kept himself busy: the first thing he did was hang up Eddie’s picture, right in the corner of the wall nearest his head, so that he could turn and look at it anytime he wanted. Then he tidied up and caught up on homework. He showered, did some laundry, and he even went on a run. He kept himself busy, and his mind occupied, he didn’t give himself the chance to think about Maddie. And then Chim and Ravi arrived, and he wasn’t alone anymore.
That was it: he just needed to minimize the moments where he was alone and unoccupied for the twenty days between now and Christmas, and he would be fine.
It was just twenty days, he could make it twenty days.
Twenty days, nineteen sleeps.
That didn’t seem too hard.
Monday come quickly, and Eddie kept his promise of organizing him a birthday party with his other friends. It was strange, in a way, getting this much attention for his birthday, in his last life Buck’s birthday was never really cause for celebration — the most he ever did was get drunk on gifted alcohol — but now he was going strong on day 2 of birthday and he didn’t really know how to handle it, he just knew that it felt better than any night spent drinking ever did.
Eddie brought his grandma’s double chocolate cookies, Karen had drawn him a card for everyone to sign, Hen had brought him a sticker pack for his laptop from the national park she went to with her mother during the holiday, Chim got him a Philadelphia eagles scarf, and Ravi got him one of those giant packs of assorted candies and chocolates.
It was a bright and sunny day, despite the creeping December cold. So they bundled up in their warmest clothes, ditched homework and responsibilities, and laid down a bunch of spare sheets on the field behind the girl’s dorms for the picnic that Eddie promised.
As Buck walked up to the the set-up he bumped shoulders with Eddie and smiled “You didn't need to do all this, you know, right?”
“Has it ever occurred to you that your friends and I actually, genuinely, wanted to celebrate you?”
Buck could feel the blush creep up his cheeks and Karen and Hen ran up to grab his hands and pull him towards the blankets.
He had been working on it with Frank — believing that he was deserving of love — but it still felt like too much, like he had somehow asked them for it and they were humoring him, even though he knew he never had.
Buck ended up sandwiched between Chim and Hen, who had Karen’s head in her lap. Eddie was right in front of him but on the other side of the snacks. He tried to not make it sting, it was unfair to Eddie, but looking at Hen and Karen always made him long for something like it. He also wanted those casual touches, that ease with which the girls showed love to each other.
He knew that it was easier for a girl, that even the most homophobic fucks at school wouldn’t look at the way Hen and Karen were sitting and necessarily understand that they were a couple. Girls were allowed physical touch, they were allowed closeness and care with each other. They still had to be careful of some things — they never kissed in public or held hands — but nobody would bat an eye at them hugging, or the way Hen was currently absentmindedly playing with Karen’s braids.
He’d never have that with Eddie, nothing beyond a quick hug after a game, or a pat on the shoulder. They had slipped up a few times — and Buck had the picture on his wall to prove it — but they had been tired, or distracted in some way. Buck really, really, tried to not make it hurt. But all he wanted right now was to lean back and rest his head on his boyfriend’s chest, to show to the people he loved the most in the world just how happy he was.
One day, he thought.
One day he’d have that. One day they wouldn’t be in Texas anymore, and one day it would be safe. One day he’d get to look at his friends and tell them just how much he loved Eddie.
One day, not soon, but one day.
This had to be enough for now.
The afternoon went by in a flash. Buck had been a bit concerned introducing Eddie to his fried group at first — being the last one to join it felt too soon to bring in his own people — but Hen and Eddie were already pretty good friends, and the others took to him right away (how could’t they when Eddie was so, well, Eddie.)
Buck had been arguing with Chim about the ethically of keeping birds as pets when they got distracted by a commotion coming from the other side of the blanket, only to find Karen and Eddie bent in half from laugher.
“Care to include us?” Buck said, twisting so he could look at them.
“Karen, she— oh my God!” Eddie was laughing so hard there were tears shining on the corer of his eyes.
“Don’t blame me! It was the book!”
“Eddie bab— buddy, use your words.”
“So, Karen was telling me about why she had to switch schools freshman year and—“ Eddie said as he tried catching his breath, but then his eyes met Karen’s again and there went another fit of laughter. And that that point it was clear that there was no getting out of them, so Buck looked at Hen who — with the most dead-pan face she could muster while hiding her own laugher — said:
“Karen blew up her chemistry lab. Firefigthers had to get involved. The school was evacuated…”
“The teacher’s left eyebrow never grew back” Karen said in between her own laugh, and at this point they were all laughing along.
It wasn’t even a particularly funny story, but it was fun to laugh along with people, and not even Ravi chiming in with a very confused “what kind of experiments do you do in freshman year that lead to that?” Dampened the mood.
Hen — who had finally cracked and was laughing too — pulled Karen back up between her legs and hugged her, announcing “My mad scientist, folks!” As she did so.
“I don’t know Hen, I wouldn’t want my future girlfriend to be an arsonist.” Chim laughed, and all he got in reply was the empty cookie container thrown in his general direction by Hen, who accompanied it with her tongue sticking out.
“How about you, Ed?” Chim asked after dodging and replying in a similar gesture to Hen.
Buck’s eyes met Eddie’s then, and the knew that he wasn’t going to come out to them — that’s not how their story went, and it was fine — but he couldn’t help his breath from catching as he saw the bright pink creeping up his boyfriend’s cheekbones.
“I— I don’t know” he stuttered, and then threw Buck the ghost of a complicit smile “I think I’m gonna lay off of girls for a while.”
Eddie had said it while never breaking eye contact with him, and you know what? It was enough.
“I’m sure the entire female school population would be very sad to hear that” continued Chim, and then Karen coughed pointedly “all of them minus two.”
“Oh, there are a lot more than two lesbians in the school” Hen laughed, and shared a knowing look with a giggling Karen.
“Ok, let’s say 80% of girls will be devastated”
The pink on Eddie’s cheeks was intensifying by the second “I-I don’t know, Chim. I wasn’t exactly a good boyfriend.”
“Yeah but you’re like, really handsome, so like, I feel like most girls don’t care” he shrugged “I heard that there’s a bet going on about who you’ll take to prom.”
Eddie was growing more uncomfortable with every word, and Buck could tell, but he was too busy quieting the voice in his head that screamed “Mine! Mine! Mine!” to figure out what to do about it.
He’d never been a possessive person. He’d never been jealous, or territorial, and he had always thought that it was just the type of guy her was, but that truth was also that he had never been with someone long enough to call them his before. He never had anyone he cared to be jealous of before Eddie.
“Sucks for them, because I’m not taking anyone to prom.” Eddie said, after a pause that was just on this side of uncomfortable.
“Really?” It was Ravi who spoke “But you’re the quarterback. It’s probably super easy for you to find a girl to take.”
“It’s not that — I- I promised Shannon that I wouldn’t. She figured something like Prom would create a lot of gossip at school and she made me promise to not take anyone.” Eddie shrugged, the pink slowly vanishing back to where it had come from “It seemed fair, after all I put her through.”
It shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t hurt because he knew that even if Eddie had been fine with telling his friends about then it’s not like they could have gone to Prom together, he felt silly just thinking about it. And yet it hurt, just a little. Every time that he wanted to hold Eddie, and couldn’t, hurt a little. Every time that he wanted to make an inside joke, and couldn’t, hurt a little. Every time he wanted to be open, and happy, and show people that he had one, one, good thing in his life, and couldn’t, hurt a little. But it was only a little, he’d be fine.
…
Later that night, Buck was sitting in bed finishing up some homework he had been procrastinating on where there was a knock on the door. It was well past curfew, so it had to be one of his friends.
“It’s open” Buck called out, and a moment later Chim was in his room and closing the door behind him.
“Hey, what’s up?” He asked, putting down his laptop and leaning back against his picture wall.
“I just wanted to check on you.”
Chim leaned back against the opposite wall, arms crossed against his chest, shoulders bunched.
“Looks like I should have been checking on you instead. What’s up, man?”
“Ok, maybe I also wanted to apologize.”
“For what?” Buck asked, genuinely confused.
“For brining up prom, and Eddie’s ex and stuff like that. I know you have a crush on him and it was shitty of me to bring up him dating another girl, and stuff…”
Oh
“Oh, that? Don’t— don’t worry man” Buck shrugged, trying his best to sound convincing “My thing for Eddie is—“ he couldn’t help it but laugh, one little sad circle accompanying the rest of the sentence: “I got over it.”
Another shitty thing about keeping Eddie a secret? It made him a liar.
“You got over it?”
Buck nodded “turns out that spending time with him as friends was the cure. Funny, right? T-the closer we got as… as friends the more I figured it’s fine that it stays like this. I like having him as a friend more that I want him to be my boyfriend.” Buck was lying through his teeth, the words hurt coming out, but what hurt the most was how easy it had become to lie about his feelings when all he wanted to do was smirk and say ”Oh, don’t worry, I’m fine with girls fighting over Eddie because he’s mine, and not theirs, so they can scheme, and plot, and make as many bets as they want but at the end of the day he’s mine. And he won’t take a girl to Prom not because Shannon asked him, but because he’s taking me.”
He wanted to be cocky, and proud, and boast about how he had the most amazing boyfriend. He wanted to gush about how sweet Eddie was, tell everyone how good his hugs were, and how his kisses could cure any pain Buck ever had. But most importantly he wanted to tell his friends because he was happy. It was a new thing for Buck to be happy, and it felt like a crime to hide it.
“You’re really sure you’re ok with this?” Chim asked again, shaking Buck from his thoughts.
“Yeah man, you don’t have to worry about me.”
“I don’t know how to stop worrying.”
There was a long pause then, both of the boys letting the silence stretch and settle into it’s truths. It had been moths, months of good days, and happy moments, and yet Chim had never been able to shake off the memory of Buck’s panic attack.
“Chim, I—“
“I know, I know” his friend sighed “you’re fine, and you don’t want us to treat you like a time-bomb. I know that, man. But sometimes I just get scared of what would have happened if I wasn’t in the locker rooms that day. I think about what would have happened if I didn’t feel like going on a run and told you to meet us at the rally, and then you would have gone through that alone and I—“
“Chim, whoah, man, slow down. You’re sounding like me” Buck said with a small smile, reaching out to stop his friend’s panicked rambling. “It wasn’t my first panic attack, I would have —-“ fine wasn’t the right word, he would have been the opposite of fine, he would have swallowed it all back down and kept suffering in silence instead of getting he help he desperately needed — help which he had gotten because Chim was there, and because Chim called Mr. Nash — “I would have gotten through it, like I had all of the other times. It just would have taken a lot longer, and it would have been a lot scarier. But you were there Chim, and I didn’t have to do it alone.”
“Has it happened again?”
“After that day, you mean?”
Chimney nodded.
Buck paused for a moment, thought about Hershey, about Daniel, and Maddie, and Doug, and his parents. He thought of the lonely bus ride back to the airport clutching Maddie’s card so hard it almost cut through the flesh of his palm. He thought about calling Eddie, and staying on the phone with him as he talked him through the steps to taking the plane. He thought about those lonely hours in the air, and then the moment that he felt Eddie’s arms around him, telling him he had made it home.
It had been scary, terrifying, maybe even the most painful night of his life, but the earth didn’t open up and swallow him whole like the day of the pep rally, because he didn’t feel alone in his pain, not anymore.
People talk a lot about the importance of having a strong support system, but Buck didn’t believe them until he had to rely on his, and found that it held him up.
He shook his head.
“No. Not one that bad, no.”
There was another long stretch of silence and then Buck watched as Chim wrung his fingers in a way that had to hurt a little.
“But you had one?”
Buck shrugged, for some reason he hadn’t told any of his friends other than Eddie about running away from home, at some point he probably would need too, especially with the fact that he wasn’t going home for Christmas, but right now, that was just between him and Eddie — “I have anxieties, small moments of panic, stuff like that. But panic attacks are a beast of their own” he said, there was no good in lying to Chimney about this, not after all he had done, all he had seen “I had moments of panic, but no, not a panic attack like the one you’ve seen.”
Chimney nodded, and then did it again.
“Alright, but next time I put my foot in my mouth like… I don’t know, kick me or something.”
Buck couldn’t help by laugh “you’ll end up all black and blue that way.”
“Ah, ah, very funny.” He smiled and stretched his leg over to poke Buck’s knee with his foot. “I’m gonna leave you to your porn.”
“Hey, I was doing homework!” Buck laughed and threw his pillow towards a laughing Chimney, who picked it up and tossed it back.
“Sure, sure…”
“Asshole.”
“And your best friend, I don’t know what it says about you” Chimney joked and headed to the door.
“Hey man” Buck stopped him before he could leave “thank you… for checking in, I mean.”
“Anytime.” Chim smiled and then he was gone.
Eddie called a little after that. Buck didn’t tell him about Chimney coming over, they just talked about the day, laughed at the idea of girls having a betting pool on Eddie’s prom date, and fell asleep on the phone.
. ..
The last two weeks of the semester passed quickly, a lot quicker than Buck had ever expected. In between teachers rushing to get last minute grades in, Coach Grant grilling him even harder doing practice since the season wound start really soon (and she might have mentioned Buck to a few of her friends coaching university teams, but no pressure…) Buck barely had time to see his friends, or Eddie, or think about how his messages to Maddie still didn’t send, or how his parents still had to contact him in any way.
He did his homework, kissed Eddie in dark corners on borrowed time, and tried his best to finish the semester strong. He didn’t have time to think about how he wouldn’t go home for Christmas, or what would be of his life — that’s at least until Headmaster Nash called him into his office the day before break started.
“Buck, take a seat” he said with his usual kind smile. They hadn’t talked again after the day he gave him the sobriety chip, but Buck had a sense that Frank (who he was seeing once a week now, and had been completely horrified when Buck told him about thanksgiving while still praising Buck’s uncanny ability to bouche back from something so traumatic) was keeping him updated on his progress. He trusted Frank to keep secret anything that Buck told him doing their sessions — he was legally required to after all — but he was pretty sure that the therapist was telling the Headmaster that Buck had made progress, or at least he felt like he had made progress.
“Thank you for coming to see me” the Headmaster said as Buck sat down in the usual chair opposite him. “You’re distinguished yourself as a stellar student this semester, Buck” he said relaxing back in his chair “star of the running team in just a few months all the while keeping up a perfectly respectable GPA, photographer for the yearbook, and from all I can see you and your friends are a good bunch. I’m proud of you, kid.”
Buck couldn’t help the way his chest warmed up at those words, or the big smile that covered his lips.
He did it. It had been the hardest thing he’d ever done but he made it, he didn’t get in trouble, he didn’t fuck it up, and nothing his mother could tell him would change that.
“Thank you sir, I appreciate it.”
Bobby Nash his hand over for Buck to shake, a huge slime brightening up his face as he said “from this moment on your probationary period is officially over. I never doubted you for a second.”
Buck shook his hand, and it felt like he had just won a prize.
“Does this mean I get Saturday leave now?” He asked as their hands parted again. Mr. Nash laughed at his question bright and open, “yes, kid. You can go out on Saturdays now. Already know what you’ll do your first day out?”
I’ll going on a date with my boyfriend, sir. he thought.
He couldn’t stay it, obviously. But he could think it.
“My friend Eddie promised he’d have a bunch of things planned to celebrate, but I think we’re gonna burn through them over Christmas, so I guess I’ll improvise” he shrugged, and then he looked back at Mr. Nash’s face and was puzzled by the confusion on it.
“You’re not going home for Christmas?”
Oh.
He didn’t know.
Buck had assumed…
“No I —“ he knew that technically the headmaster didn’t need to know about his parents, the disaster that was thanksgiving, and all of the sea of reasons why Buck wasn’t going home for Christmas. But Mr. Nash had something like a magic power to make Buck want to tell him things. “I’m alright” he felt the need to preface “I’m just not… I don’t really feel like going home.”
Mr. Nash took a long but steady breath and nodded.
“I should tell you that I’m a mandated reporter.”
“They’re not abusing me” it came out quick, and loud. It wasn’t a lie. What his parents did it wasn’t abuse, just indifference, just apathy, just how his parents were. They were not bad people, just bad parents.
“Then why aren’t you going home?”
“Because I prefer staying at Eddie’s, sir.”
There was a bit of pause, then the headmaster nodded, and clasped his hands in front of him.
“Are your parents aware of this decision?”
No, but they won’t care.
“They won’t stop paying tuition, if that’s— if that’s what worrying you“ he was pretty sure of that. They liked having Buck far away too much to stop. Stopping tuition would mean having to figure out a new school for him, and that was too much work, too much thought that had to go towards Buck. No, they’d keep paying.
The headmaster took a moment, probably to consider his reply, and then nodded “alright…”
He didn’t sound all that convinced.
It felt strange, coming front an adult. He was used (by now) to his friends worrying, and he guessed that now he had Isabel Diaz on that side too, but still — Robert Nash was a person that should have no stakes in Buck’s personal life, and yet he worried.
“I’m fine, sir. No need to worry”
Mr. Nash nodded.
“One last thing?”
“Anything, sir.”
“How’s your sobriety going?”
Buck smiled again then, and his fingers instinctively found the coin he always carried with him.
“Three months strong!”
Mr. Nash nodded again and relaxed on the chair again “good job. You’re a good kid, you know that?”
“Thank you, sir.” He could keel the heat rise in his cheeks, and his shoulders bunch up a little, which made the headmaster laugh.
“Go, enjoy your holiday then” he said as he clapped his hands on the table once and then stood up, opening the door for Buck. “And tell Eddie Diaz that I’m glad that he’s got his head back in the game.” Mr. Nash said, a playful wink accompanying his words in which Buck choose not to read anything.
“I will, sir. Thank you again for — well, for everything, I guess”
“Don’t mention it. Just keep doing what you’re doing. I’m very proud to have you as one of our students, Buck.”
Buck was beaming as he walked back to his dorm to pack, pride and joy swirling in his chest as he threw his remaining duffle bag (the matching one still in Maddie’s room in Hershey) and walked to the parking lot where Eddie was waiting, leaning against the side of his truck. A vision out of a John Hugh’s movie as he talked to Hen.
“Buck, there you are!” He said, a big smile covering his lips as he waved him over.
“Sorry, Mr. Nash wanted to talk to me before I left.” He said, and dropped the bag in the back of Eddie’s car before high-fiveing him and draping an arm over Hen’s shoulders.
“What were y’all talking about?”
“I was giving him the shovel talk, obviously” Hen sad, hip bumping against Buck’s. He knew it was a joke — it had to be a joke — but Buch he stopped breathing nonetheless as his eyes met Eddie’s, who’s face was quickly going pale.
Buck’s mind screaming “I didn’t tell her, please, God, believe me I didn’t tell her…” so loud that he hoped Eddie would be able to hear it.
“As a friend! I was telling Eddie to not let you sleep in all Christmas break” Hen laughed, an arm dropping around Buck’s waist and giving it a delicate squeeze. “and that we should organize a discord call on new years, if you guys don’t have other plans. Mom got a new job in Vegas and I don’t know anyone there, I could be fun.”
“A—and I didn’t think that the party Adriana and some El Paso people are going to would be your thing…”
Eddie’s face was regaining it’s color, and Buck’s heart had slowed back down to a normal pace.
What sucked was that in any other situation Hen’s joke would have made him laugh, if he wasn’t so scared of tripping and blowing up what he had built with Eddie. If Hen knew — could know — Buck would have replied something like “Don’t worry, I think Chim’s got that covered” or “Damn it Eddie, our cover of me staying at your grandma’s house so we can fuck nasty is blown!”. But with the crushing weight of the secret on his chest, joking didn’t feel right.
The truth was that every day that passed where Buck had to keep Eddie a secret from his friends, his anxiety about them finding out multiplied. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could go on lying.
But this wasn’t the right time to panic, his three weeks alone in EL Paso with Eddie were about to start.
“That sounds great! Let’s ask the others, and figure out logistics.” He said as Hen’s cab pulled up. Karen, Ravi and Chimney having left earlier that morning for Detroit, Palo Alto, and Pasadena respectively.
“Great! Alright boys, that’s me. See you on the flip side!” She said and gave Buck a quick kiss on the cheek before skipping away.
As he watched Hen’s cab turn and drive off Buck let himself imagine, just for a second, that Hen knew. He let himself bask in the fantasy that she had actually given Eddie the shovel talk, like a protective big sister.
Then he reeled it back in, and looked at Eddie.
“Wanna know something fun?”
“What?” Eddie smiled, arms crossed over his chest and head tilted in the cocky way he reserved for when they were alone, and that drove Buck absolutely wild.
“Come January, I’m gonna have Saturday leave privileges.” He said, taking a step closer, a bit too close for the school’s parking lot.
“Now that’s the type of news I like to hear.” Eddie said and pushed himself off the truck, getting to kissing distance for a second before moving past Buck and around the car to get in “but I’m a bit more excited about the three weeks of no supervision we’re about to get. So get in already!”
Eddie laughed, and so did Buck, and as soon as they were on a far enough away road he pulled over into a clearing and kissed him stupid for the first of many times to come.